This isn't my story, but my Mom sent it to me and it was to good to pass up!

Lizard Birthing

>>>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
>> me there was "something
>> wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
>> in his room.
>>
>> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
>> "I'm serious Dad, can you
>> help?"
>>
>> I put on my best lizard healer face and followed him
>> into his bedroom. One
>> of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
>> looking stressed. I
>> immediately knew what to do.
>>
>> "Honey," I called "come look at the lizard!"
>>
>> "Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute.
>> "She's having babies."
>>
>> "What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert
>> and Ernie, Mom!"
>>
>> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how could that be? I
>> thought we said we didn't
>> want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>>
>> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
>> their cage?" She inquired.
>> (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>>
>> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>> reminded her, (in my most
>> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
>> together).
>>
>> "Yeah Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed.
>>
>> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys
>> you know," she informed
>> me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
>>
>> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
>> what was going on. I
>> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>>
>> "Kid's, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
>> I announced. "We're
>> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>>
>> "Oh, gross!" They shrieked.
>>
>> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
>> do with a litter of tiny
>> little lizard babies?" My wife wanted to know. ( I
>> really think she was
>> being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>>
>> We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
>> what looked like a tiny
>> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
>> later.
>>
>> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I
>> noticed.
>>
>> "It's breech!" My wife whispered, horrified.
>>
>> "Do something, Dad!" My son urged.
>>
>> "Ok, ok." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
>> foot when it next
>> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
>> tried several more
>> times with the same results.
>>
>> "Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to
>> know. "Maybe they could
>> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern with
>> the females in my
>> house?)
>>
>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
>> drove to the vet with my son
>> holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe Ernie,
>> breathe," he urged.
>>
>> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his Mother noted
>> to him. (Women can be so
>> cruel to their young. I mean what she does to me is
>> one thing, but this
>> boy is of her womb, for god's sake.)
>>
>> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>> peered at the little
>> animal through a magnifying glass.
>>
>> "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested
>> scientifically.
>>
>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs
>> Cameron, may I speak to you
>> privately for a moment?"
>>
>> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>>
>>
>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked.
>>
>> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is
>> not in labor, in fact
>> that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
>> You see, Ernie is a young
>> male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
>> like most male species,
>> they umm...umm... masturbate. Just the way he did
>> lying on his back." He
>> blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well you know what I
>> mean Mr. Cameron."
>>
>> We were silent absorbing this.
>>
>> "So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife
>> offered.
>>
>> "Exactly," replied the vet, relieved that we
>> understood.
>>
>> More silence. Than my vicious, cruel wife started to
>> giggle. And giggle. And
>> than even laugh loudly.
>>
>> "What's so funny" I demanded, knowing, but not
>> believing that the woman I
>> married would commit the upcoming affront to my
>> flawless manliness.
>>
>> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
>> just... that... I'm
>> picturing you pulling on it's.. it's... teeny
>> little..." she gasped for more
>> air to bellow in laughter once more.
>>
>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
>> hurriedly bundled the
>> lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
>> everything was going to
>> be okay.
>>
>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
>> done, Dad." He told me.
>>
>> "Oh you have no idea," I replied.
>>
>> Close mouthed, my wife agreed, collapsing with
>> laughter.
>>
>> 1.) Lizards - $140...
>> 2.) Cage - $50...
>> 3.) Trip to the vet - $30
>> 4.) Memory of your husband pulling on your lizards
>> winkle.... Priceless
>>
>> Moral of the story - finish biology - lizards lay
>> eggs.
>>

lol an oldie but such a goodie! now I gotta go try to get my eyes to stop watering from laughing so hard....

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OMG! ROFL. Never heard that one before and totally loved it. Silly me... I was actually pondering what lizard gave birth to live young. LOL... I guess I am just too tired to remember BIOLOGY right now.

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My Reptiles:
2 Female Water Dragons - Emmie & Zoey (age 2)
More About My Own WDs:
Water Dragons, Not Just Lizards
Emmie & Zoey
Wishlist:
Uromastyx
Chameleons
Sugar Gliders
My Other Pets:
1 Female Ferret - Jackie
3 Parakeets - Taj, Sprite & Willow
1 Male Pit Bull - Noah
1 Female Husky/Wolf Mix - Angel

~ Jess ~

Blue tongued skinks give live birth

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Those who say it can't be done should get out of the way of those who are doing it.

~*~Lacey~*~

My Photos

Oh my, that is so funny, never herd that one... my boyfriend cracked up for 10 min... and hes a "serious sam"

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"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~ Immanual Kant

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

That's great. I was actually thinking to myself..."wait... water dragons lay eggs..." I decided there must be a reason behind a "live birth" and read on. I'm glad I did because I'm laughing hardcore!

Hahaha, that was great. I knew lizards didn't do live births but it still caught me off guard and made me laugh. I can barely type! That was awesome. Thanks for sharing it lol.

Gotta admit it's still a good laugh! My cousin sent it to me quite a long time ago, and I still laugh!

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Kat